Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
WWE is French for “yes”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”