little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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Mad Max: Furry Road
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…