Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic