Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
What?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.