Trains are just sideway elevators.
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger