8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.