Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
A small tragedy.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys