If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.