Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
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I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.