Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Breaking news:
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine