[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Coffee is ready.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted