The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.