me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Thank you corporation very cool
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.