museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.