Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
You Might Also Like
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.