You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct