What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.