Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Quadruple digit IQ
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Happy birthday to all the women
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!