I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*