FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ