I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
You Might Also Like
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
girls literally only want one thing..
THIS HEADLINE
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.