the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Holy moly
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
operators are standing by to ignore your call