Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
You Might Also Like
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly