Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
respect
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game