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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset