20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
You Might Also Like
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The real reason evolution started..😂
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Okay
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.