People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*