I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
😅🤣😂
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.