You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.