ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Beware…..
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Never ghost your hitman.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.