Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
B
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.