I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
How about daylight saves us for once
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.