“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.