I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Knock Knock
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong