ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
man i love columbo
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis