[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers