Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”