I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Good news
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke