Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*serious situation*
My brain:
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.