To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is