ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Easy enough.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now