Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
From Facebook just now…
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
is this store having a stroke wtf
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.