Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.