PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
2022: I can fix it
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK