Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…