Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
wow he looks just like him
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Banderslack Clamberdorch