If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”