If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Sounds like a bargain
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.