Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Lunatics are gonna loon.