How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
You Might Also Like
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.